The easiest way to navigate conflict or confusion is to name it, put it on the table, state your intention, and work from there. Skip assumptions, colluding with others about how bad it is, blaming the other party for the conflict, trying to figure it out in a bubble, etc. Just step in, look for how you can help things go right, and dance.

If you’d like more tips like these, please sign up for our monthly “boot/talk” newsletter in the box on the right.

There’s very little we have control over – so best to “bust a move” where we can create impact and set ourselves up for success, becoming the best “instrument of change” possible. Some of these places include: how we take care of our bodies, the food we eat, the visions we create for ourselves (on our own authentic paths), how we show up in relationships, how we treat people, what we say “yes” to and “no” to that nurtures our spirit, and of course the good ole fashioned basics of saying “Please, thank you, and I care.”  This is truly one of my most favorite points!  It all starts with us, as individuals, stepping up to make the shifts and impact we want - in whatever way “stepping up” means in that moment. (And of course, tying back to earlier posts, the quality of the relationships we have is key to supporting this.  A virtuous cycle:  the better I am as an individual, the better I can come to relationships, the better my relationships, the more supported and better I feel to become even better, etc.)

If you’d like more tips like these, please sign up for our monthly “boot/talk” newsletter in the box on the right.

I also love working with small groups and teams and speaking to larger groups as I love the energy, connection and learning that takes place in community.

I love to write and design and be creative. I love to spend quality time with family and friends. I love to get my workouts in and have “white space.” And I love to contribute…among many other things that I love to do. Put this all together, continue to add to the list, and before you know it – the cup is full. When my cup gets full, and I start to “feel” it – it’s time for bigger questions.

I won’t take you through my process, but I will share some of the areas of question I ask myself about when I do a “self-check-in”. While I’m dying to give you the actual questions here and then hope that you’ll use them, and hope that they’ll serve you, and hope that they’ll create the best result for you, and hope hope hope…I’ve found that these kinds of questions truly need follow up, accountability and a high level of value, personal investment, and hunger going in, for best results, so I won’t. That said, if you are a private client, or in one of my programs, email me, and I’ll send the questions on to you.

Here are some of the areas to explore in asking the bigger questions:

Values | Congruency | Vision | The Right Path vs. the Should Path | Time and Energy | Highest Purpose | Life Enhancing Relationships | Life Enhancing Environment

Great places to look. And an amazing way to “GET QUIET” and sort through all the garbage and frenzied energy that so easily creeps into one’s life when busy.

While some shifts are still being unfolded and refined, here are a couple of things I know for sure:

We are also currently working on a BLR Subscription Program to provide access to more extensive articles and actual “make it real” action plans and audios for those of you who want to dive into this work on a deeper level and make it more tangible.

Of course you will have access to my blog as well for now, and this new level of service will provide special information and self-paced “coaching” and implementation (and accountability! Woohoo!) in a cost effective manner. Stay tuned!

While some of these shifts are still in process, and being refined, all of them are being made with the intention of providing an even better and more efficient level of service and results for our clients. Delightfully, these shifts will also support my team, and myself, in keeping our own energy high, engaging in activities that are the best and most productive use of us, and giving all of us (you, me, clients, team, family, etc.) the best ROI on our time, energy, emotional, financial, and spiritual investments!

Here are 4 things to look at when it comes to creating your outcomes – and the types of things I’ll explore with clients. I invite you to ditch the “box” or trying to figure it out exactly, and just to apply these 4 things to your being, starting now. These, by the way, are some of the core elements of my approach to living and leadership that I’ve come to call “Bootism.”

1. Pay exquisite attention to your energy, and make it work for you. Consider your physical energy, the way you manage your energy, and the way you lead it – what’s the vibe you’re putting out there? Is it positive and compelling? Or are you bringing the house down, and not in a rock star kind of way?
2. Nurture your relationships. They’re priceless and truly what make the world go round. Give your 12 hugs, get (and share) your cupcakes, and make connecting and caring a priority. Acknowledge people for who they are in your life (and know there’s a big difference between an acknowledgement & a compliment), and look for ways to be of service. Need help? Ask for it. Griping? Name it. Own it. Nurture those relationships.
3. Vision and stay on your path. It’s your path, no one else’s. You have to live with it – done right and congruently – you GET to live with it. But you’ve got to create it, and stick with it, and be true to it. Check where you are now, where you want to be, and then decide how you’ll get there. Two things: don’t count on the journey looking exactly as you plan, you’ll be disappointed, frustrated and likely will miss some amazing opportunities – so be open to things looking different, and 2) if a VISION seems to big – break it down into smaller arcs of times and topics. Maybe it’s a vision for your health, maybe it’s a vision for next month’s great team meeting, make it work for you.
4. “Put your boots on”, whatever those boots may be for you – and lead. “Boots” are a mindset (ie. ownership, courage, truth, and congruency.) Leadership is a mindset (ie. pro-activity, helping things go right, love, service), and it all takes action. It comes from different angles (ie. the best forms of leadership are often supporting leadership around you), and it shows up in odd places. So take that vision, or that thing you care about, take that thing you want to create, take that thing that pisses you off (not happy about the economy or your organization’s culture, etc? What are you doing about it?), and lead. And do it in a way that is congruent for you – not how you “think” it should be done, or how “Joe” told you to do it (or even like Joe), but rather in a way that is true to who you are.

With all these moving peices, why would you EVER want to put anything like this work in a box? Really? So get those boots on, decide and take action…use these 4 areas of focus and watch things unfold.  Happy unfolding!

1. Acknowledgement and connection: In “Boot Speak” I call this “12 Hugs” (read the paper – opt in on the right – for an explanation of this.) “12 hugs” are about truly acknowledging the human beings you work with and taking the time to connect with them, to fully engage – fully present – with them – if even for 1 minute. An acknowledgement recognizes someone for who they “be” or who they are, while a compliment recognizes someone for what they do or what they’ve done. The acknowledgement cuts to the essence of them as a human being and has an impact of having them feel seen and appreciated. Compliments are great too of course, but acknowledgements, in my experience, are much more powerful. Use what is real for you. Engagement Booster #1: Acknowledge and connect – authentically and with full engagement – and do it often.

2. Bring joy to yourself and your organization – do the little things: I call this “Cupcakes” (again, check out the paper.) Cupcakes are about indulging in those extra things in your life that may seem luxurious or extra and are really not necessary, but boy do they make you feel good. They increase your joy factor, they nurture your body and spirit, they just feel good. The impact? Happy, energized, fulfilled people make better leaders. Better leaders increase engagement naturally by who they are and how they show up. What are cupcakes? Well “cupcakes” can be things like making cupcakes with your kids (this is one of mine), taking an afternoon off, taking a “white space” day to regroup with yourself and your vision, getting a massage, taking a balloon ride, getting yourself flowers or a bottle of good wine, etc…they can be anything – you know what yours are. Go make them. Engagement Booster #2: “Eat your cupcakes” and share them with others too (or not! )

3. Replace assumptions with curiosity: Did you get your degree from the University of MSU? My colleague John Foster shared this term with me last year and I thought it was brilliant. The University of Making Stuff Up – most of us have at least one degree from there (present company included!) – some of us have a PhD at that particular institution. We all do it – the trick is to know when we’re doing it and be conscious about what we want to do with it. If you were to do something else to add to positive energy and joy and engagement in your organization – this would be another place to look. Check your assumptions at the door. Check them out. Even better, just don’t make them. As human assumption making machines, I notice often these assumptions tend to lean towards the negative (shocking, right?) What’s interesting to watch is how draining they can be, how much energy they take up, how quickly they ripple out, and how unproductive they are (check it out for yourself – do they help things go right or create more aggravation?) If you must make them – make them work for you (ie. assume good or positive intentions), if you can’t do that, at least check them out. Engagement Booster #3? Bust assumptions and get curious instead.

Just thoughts on a beautiful morning here in St. Charles. What are your thoughts? Chime in…//anese

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I’m getting ready to sign off for a couple of days of family, food, fun, movies, games, some nice runs along the river, and some “me” time. Every year, with gratitude being one of my favorite energy producing leadership and connection tools, I write something about it for my clients and subscribers. This year I’m sharing it on the blog as well. All I can say is this…if you’ve got gratitude, lead with it. If you don’t think you do, look for it. And if you aren’t doing so, express it. And soon. And more. After all as Gertrude Stein (1874-1946) once said “Silent gratitude isn’t very much use to anyone.”

If you’d like the full article (as well as additional articles) make sure you opt in on the box on the right. In the meantime, enjoy the poem below. Thanks for being here, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and let’s get ready for 2010. “See” you next week!

Leading With Gratitude Poem – Anese Cavanaugh

Leading with Gratitude

Through our life it’s important to know,

The people and events that have helped us grow.

These events have challenged us, sometimes taken us to task,

And to get through them, of leadership, we have often been asked.

They maybe simple, or entirely complex,

They maybe fleeting, or a lifetime of events.

Whatever the case there’s a gift to be had,

Whether we view the situation as terrific or bad.

For being called to lead is a gift in itself,

We can lead through the challenge – or put it on the back shelf.

Authenticity, courage, engagement and play,

Are things that can help us everyday.

Gratitude, conviction, honesty and trust,

Are more than qualities, an absolute must.

For in leadership, the situations and people that challenge us most, 

Are one’s that bring the greatest gifts, and ask us to get close:

“Close” to our awareness, strengths, heart and courage,

“Close” to hanging in there and “staying” even when discouraged.

And gratitude is that special gift that helps us step up to the test,

Lead with gratitude, appreciate the challenge, and give “it’s hard” a rest.

The power is in thanking the challenge for coming into your life – and then finding the learning.

And you can rest assured, that whatever the case,

it will be much more powerful then churning.

Thank the people who are in your life, for all the gifts they bring,

No matter who they are to you, gratitude will make both spirits sing.

Be it a colleague or a confidante, a brother or a sister,

a parent or an in-law, a friend or a great listener,

a team mate or a direct report, a mentor or a “boss”,

a champion, an advocate, a naysayer, or even ”person cross”, 

find the gifts, take the good and bad, look for that secret sauce,

lead with gratitude, keep it real, and you will never be at a loss.

So when the going gets tough, work your stuff,
Discover what’s true for you.
Lead your energy, hold your space, you’ll know what to do.

Stay strong, stay true, lead your attitude, 

And when in doubt, step on out,
and lead with gratitude.

Copyright © 2007-2010. Anese Cavanaugh. All rights reserved.

I get to work with people on feedback quite a bit. Giving it. Receiving it.

Fearing it. Loving it. Making sure it is in service of. Cleaning it up so it’s not personal. Cleaning it up so it actually helps. All in service of creating better results, better relationships, smarter collaboration, safety for risk taking, and ultimately cultures and leaders that inspire trust and the best results possible.

As always, I notice trends. I notice when people are careful. And why. When they pull their punches. And why. When they sabotage the feedback. And why.

When they avoid it. And why. When it gets totally distorted. And why. When it’s productive or not. And why. It’s a simple, yet complex game. And one that is important in creating trust and good results in your organization.

Being in the position to help folks give feedback in some cases, and to help clients integrate it in others (discerning the good from the bad, the helpful from the not, the service oriented from the personal), I am often sought out by their peers, direct reports, bosses, even their spouses, to “give me just a little bit extra feedback” on the side, or to tell me about something that’s happened that they disagree with or are “concerned about.”

I notice that with this often comes speculation about what might be going on for the subject, analysis, etc. – a lot of it based on assumptions and the individual’s discomfort or personal preferences of what it should look like.

Depending on the scope of the work and the agreements designed with my client, how these interactions are handled may be different. And one thing that is consistent is that I’ll always ask the person if they’ve delivered the feedback directly before bringing it to me. Sometimes they have, often they haven’t, and even more often they don’t want it “traced” back to them.

I can understand where this comes from for many, after all feedback can be a scary thing and rouses up many underlying beliefs for all of us whether (we’re giving it or receiving it), and I’d like to offer that there is a tremendous opportunity for “walking through the fire together,” holding ones “space,” strengthening relationships, and achieving an even better outcome through all of this.

*Here are two common scenarios that interfere with trust and results when it comes to feedback. *See if either of these offers you anything:

For these examples we’ll look a “Mary” and “Mark” and “Clyde” and “Sue.”

*Scenario 1:* Mary gives feedback about Mark to a 3rd party (ie. Mark’s coach or his “boss” or another colleague, etc.)- instead of delivering it directly – and hopes that it will get delivered “appropriately” for her. (Often this is because she doesn’t want the confrontation, she doesn’t think it’s her “job,” she doesn’t know how, or it’s not “clean” and she senses or knows it.)

*Impact: * Triangulation (which rhymes with strangulation and I think they have similar impacts!) A “triangulation” situation, in which someone is in the middle of the two people who should be directly engaging, actually takes the power out of the primary relationship (Mary and Mark), creates passivity, abdicates leadership to the 3rd party, compromises the integrity of the feedback, and ultimately ends up in diminished trust and results.

*Alternative:* If Mary notices the feedback to be given and isn’t sure how to go about it – I believe it’s fine, and even responsible, to engage a TRUSTED* 3rd party to get support in making sure that it’s clean and useful feedback (it’s not personal, it’s specific, it gives them somewhere to go, it’s co-active), and that it’s handled with care and delivered with the best approach in order to be most helpful. (*By trusted, I mean someone who will hold it with confidence, hold her “accountable”, help her truly navigate through it, make sure it’s clean, AND not collude, gossip or nitpick with her about it.) In this scenario Mary owns the feedback. She commits to delivering it directly to Mark (what he does with it is another post!) This keeps the 3rd party outside the system, and there to help “clean up” and optimize the feedback if needed, and keeps the power of the relationship with Mark and Mary (allowing them to experience the trust as their relationship grows.)

———–

*Scenario 2:* Clyde gives feedback about Sue to a 3rd party but he DOESN’T want them to share it, repeat it, etc. He just wants them to “be aware” – but he also wants Sue to change and “get it” (and therefore hopes it will get handled somehow.) There’s a complaint there, with a request underneath, but it’s not being addressed directly – nor is he willing to “put it on the table.” Uggh.

*Impact:* This is even trickier than scenario #1 as the 3rd party can’t really do much with it, it’s not direct, it’s given in confidence, it’s passive, and therefore it’s not really helpful. (In fact, before I learned the lesson of how to more proactively design for this scenario, I once “returned to sender” saying there was nothing I could do with it if it was “in confidence” and they weren’t willing to participate. There wasn’t. If they’d been willing to share it outright or even with anonymity, we could have done something productive, but in this case, it was a no-starter.) Back to Clyde and Sue…By Clyde sharing this with the 3rd party, sure it’s possible that he/she might be able to keep the feedback in back pocket and be aware of it, and somehow use it to serve down the line…But, there’s a huge opportunity lost for supporting Sue (if the feedback comes from a good place.) And what I find even more interesting about it is to explore the learning underneath that scenario about what’s going on for Clyde and what might be happening in the relationship with Clyde and Sue….

*Alternative:* If you’re Clyde, explore your feedback more fully. Check out the questions that I list below. Identify the request you have underneath that complaint. (Complaints are generally uncommunicated requests.) Consider what “being in service of Sue” might look like truly. Check the feedback – if it’s personal or crooked – either don’t give it or clean it up (or call me and we’ll work on it together.) If you’re the 3rd party in that scene, you have a great opportunity to coach Clyde through what’s going on for him. If I happen to be that 3rd party we’ll often explore the feedback and what’s getting charged up for “Clyde” (because that’s often the case in this scenario – it’s personal.)

*I’ll also often ask one or all of a series of five questions to support a “Clyde” in moving forward:

1) Have you given the feedback to the individual directly? Is it in service of? What are you concerned will happen if you give it directly?

2) What’s the intent of sharing the feedback with me?

3) What do you hope to gain from sharing it? What might be different? What’s the outcome you seek? Or even (depending on my intuition) what are you really looking for here?

4) What would be wrong with my telling them you brought it up with me? (This will open up a lot…look deeply here, this is where the gifts are.)

5) How can I be most helpful to you? What is your next best step?

Try it on. If you answer those 5 questions, you’ll often find some pretty interesting answers as to where there’s a gap in the relationship or where you’re holding back, where you’re personally getting triggered, and at a minimum better clarity on what you hope to accomplish through that feedback…it also helps keep it clean so everyone is working together…the more direct and service oriented the feedback is, the greater the trust created, the more effective the feedback and the better the result.

Obviously it goes much deeper than this, and this is just food for thought for the next time you give feedback, are tempted to give it “through” someone else, or even better, someone comes to you (try on the questions with them, see what happens.) I offer these scenarios and “noticings” for other coaches and consultants doing this kind of work to “beware the lure of triangulation” and I also offer it to leaders in general as you lead your team and work to help your folks optimize performance. I believe the best way to build trust and to create the best end result is to in fact directly engage (dare to engage), to work through it and if needed to ask a 3rd party for support in being most helpful. As always, use these principles as they resonate for you and I’d love to hear your thoughts!

BTW, if you’re interested in more on feedback (models, methodology, training and exercises) – please contact us about subscribing to the DTE Power Pack Program. Next month’s 30 page module and audio is, in fact, on Feedback – giving it, receiving it, and loving it!

Moving the office and all that goes with that, has reminded me of the importance of environment and taking care of your space so that it’s something that you love being in, that works for you, and that supports you in being at your clearest and best.  Your environment and the systems you have to support you (individually and as a team) are key to success in optimizing your leadership and results. The clearer and cleaner your environment, the clearer your energy, the better you feel, the better your resource state for leading and making decisions, the better the trust of those around you, the higher the joy factor, and ultimately the better the results.

I see it over and over again with my clients, and now, once again, have witnessed it first hand in a deeper level for myself. Invitation for you? (If you so choose of course!) Take a look at your environment; your home, your office, your car, your yard, your desk, your running shoes, your — you name it, and check the energy you feel in it. Do you feel good? Clear? Clean? Is it supporting you? Where are the energy drains? Where do you feel crisp and full? Where might a little shift or a big overhaul help? Just notice. It’s pretty amazing when you look at even the simplest things. (I have a story about a floor mat that almost made me crazy in 2008!)

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What strikes me now – in it’s amazing simplicity of course – is that if we are present and giving our time or energy to do something, we might as well do it well and get the full benefit. Otherwise, what’s the point? I am going to spend 90 minutes there regardless – how much benefit I get out of it is totally up to my. My results are my doing. For this and for everything else in my life. And I notice this in well with my work with my clients and program members, if they’re not getting what they want, they’re likely not pushing as hard as they can or asking for 100% of what they want from themselves. And then it’s common to go to “I can’t do it” – “It’s not working” – “It’s too hard” – “It’s not my fault.” When they look at where they can be more intentional about what they want and what they’re going to do and HOW hard they’re willing to lean into it, they take back their power and magic happens. It’s a decision.

Which leads me to promises to self. When we agree to do something for ourselves, whether it be self-care, exercise, coaching, development, drawing a picture, whatever – we make a promise to ourselves to do it. If we don’t do it, or give it 100%, we don’t get the results, we break the promise to ourselves, and then lose self trust which is at the base of lost personal power and trust with others. Ah, yet, another virtuous cycle…Today think about what promises you’re making to yourself. Are they conscious? How are you going to ensure that you lean in 100% and make them happen? Results are just a promise – with action and full intention – away.